He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
