I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
