He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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