im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
