Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
