you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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