totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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