your thong is hanging out like whoa
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
