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did you get engaged???
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
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