Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
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Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
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Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé