i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at