I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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