Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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