I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
