i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
