My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
