I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
