My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
