Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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