Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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