Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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