yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
