yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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