You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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