he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
