I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
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I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
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i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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