Fine. I'll sleep in my office
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
