That's intense
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
