Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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