her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
