your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
