he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
