next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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