Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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