Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
