I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
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You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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