Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
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I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
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She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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