how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
