just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
