I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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