3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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