I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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