he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
