miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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