my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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