its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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