Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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