i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
