oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
