I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
