Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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