my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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