Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
