Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
