I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
