Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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