someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
