new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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