I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
