Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
